Christy Altomare-Journey to the Past
I know you missed me! lol (hopefully). I’ve been trying so hard all month to connect with a song that felt right, but like most things in life, the more you force it the further it moves away from you. I finally decided to stop searching and just exist in a state of allowance. That’s when the aha moment came. Baby… we are here. If you were a Disney kid like myself then you’re probably familiar with the movie Anastasia. If you’re familiar with the movie, then you definitely remember the soundtrack. One song in particular has been sitting with me lately,“Journey to the Past.”
In the film Anastasia follows fragments and clues from her past in hopes of uncovering who her family is and in the process, discovering who she is. As y’all know by now, I’m always drawn to music that mirrors where I am emotionally and spiritually in the moment. This song resonates deeply for me right now, especially as I continue my journey of deconstructing religion and unlearning harmful doctrines to better understand myself, and what life means to me. There’s something powerful about choosing to walk forward while still honoring the questions that come from behind you.
The song starts off saying, “Heart, don't fail me now. Courage, don't desert me! Don't turn back now that we're here. People always say Life is full of choices. No one ever mentions fear. Or how the world can seem so vast. On a journey to the past”. No one talks about the backlash you might get when deconstructing religion and faith traditions. Questioning the Bible ,a text deemed sacred and absolute, can get you labeled a blasphemer so quickly. Curiosity becomes rebellion and before you know it the journey inward can turn into isolation or exile. What resonated with me most in this opening verse is the honesty about fear. People love to romanticize “choosing yourself,” but rarely do they acknowledge how terrifying it can be. Courage doesn’t mean the absence of fear but it does mean moving forward with it. Deconstructing faith has felt exactly like that for me . Knowing I can’t go back, but not fully seeing what’s ahead. There’s something deeply grounding about continuing anyway. I hear reclamation and someone following intuition, and memory in order to understand who they are beneath the stories they were told and that’s where this song meets me right now.
She continues by singing, “Somewhere down this road I know someone's waiting. Years of dreams just can't be wrong. Arms will open wide, I'll be safe and wanted. Finally home where I belong. Well, starting now I'm learning fast. On this journey to the past.” I truly don’t know where “home” is anymore. The promise of belonging feels uncertain but I still have a quiet knowing that going on this journey I’ll find a version of myself that feels more whole. The goal is always to return to myself.
People hear deconstruction and think you’re scrapping everything when going back to revisit just means you’re figuring out what works and doesn’t work for you. For example, I believe in Christ consciousness but I don’t believe that there is a big mean sky daddy ready to punish me and send me to hell for exaggerating on a resumé or for having premarital sex. I refuse to live my life scared or constrained by a text that includes stories of incest, slavery, and language that reduces women to objects of shame.
The next verse that really moved me is,“One step at a time .One hope, then another .Who knows where this road may go? Back to who I was .On to find my future . Things my heart still needs to know.” This part feels like permission to move slowly and intentionally. Deconstruction isn’t about abandoning who I was, but understanding her better and honoring her while still allowing myself to evolve. It acknowledges that the path forward isn’t linear and that uncertainty is part of the process.There are still things my heart needs to learn and I’m giving myself the grace to discover them one step at a time.
The final line goes, “Yes, let this be a sign. Let this road be mine. Let it lead me to my past. And bring me home at last”. This is waiting for life to affirm what you already know and to trust your inner knowing outside of external and religious validation. To truly honor your intuition over indoctrination.”Let it lead me to my past” feels like remembering who I was before fear settled in my bones. Before shame, guilt, and binaries. Before you were told who God is to you lol. I’m reclaiming my curiosity and I’m making an attempt to be at peace with uncertainty as I figure out where and what home is. Old frameworks aren’t working and I’m belonging to myself so that maybe it will “bring me home at last”.
Listen to Journey To The Past
